The last few weeks have been really tough. I don’t even know where to start. Just when I thought I was doing okay, we get another trial of epic proportions. This trial again rocked the world that I used to see with rose colored glasses.
People who are close to us and know what we are going through wonder at the additional trial that we are faced with. Some comment on how well we are doing. I don’t feel like I am doing well at all. Now, anyone who knows me or has read my blog knows that when I say that I am hanging in there, it literally means that I am really not doing that well. Hanging in. That’s all I am doing.
When the doctor told me that I seemed to be taking “this” remarkably well, I told him that I wasn’t really. He told me I had a really good poker face, to which I replied that I have had one for over a year now. And I have. It is how I function. How I get by minute to minute, day to day.
But here is the thing that I have to keep telling myself: God knows what he is doing. He is guiding my ship. It may not be going in the direction that I thought it should be going, but He is at the helm. I can only move forward, trusting that when all else fails, I will still put my faith in the One who sees the whole picture. I know that He is in charge and knows me better than anyone. So if things aren’t working the way I want them to, I will still trust in Him. I will follow God’s plan for me.
Sometimes the struggles we face in life can be so overwhelming. Little things that really should be the little things sometimes seem like mountains too high to climb. That is how life seems to be for us lately. I wish that losing Laney had been the last big trial and that we would handle all of the little things easier. And that is true for the most part. The little things really are just little things when compared to the BIG things.
As we struggle through yet another trial that seems to almost too much to even face, I try to remember what Elder Quentin L. Cook has told us: “Righteousness, prayer, and faithfulness will not always result in happy endings in mortality. Many will experience severe trials. When this happens, the very act of having faith … is approved by God.” Heavenly Father has told us that “Thy days are known, and thy years shall not be numbered less; therefore, fear not … , for God shall be with you forever and ever.”
As we continue to pray and be faithful, I know that having faith is enough for now. I also know that He knows our struggles and knowing this helps me to keep on keeping on. To find the courage to try again tomorrow. And the day after, and the day after.
Someone asked me one time how we were making it through such a difficult time. I told them that we try to look for the blessings that we receive every single day. And they are there. We have seen them, and know we will continue to see them as long as we stay close to the Spirit and allow ourselves to feel of Heavenly Father’s love for us.
I got woken up this morning by one of those blessings. It was one of those that makes you know that our loved ones are around us. Continuing to help us and bless our lives. It didn’t happen to me, but to one of my girls. And I will forever be grateful for a Heavenly Father who knows us by name and cares about us each individually.
One of my daughters has been very sick, unable to eat and very nauseous. We have been baffled and so have the doctors. So we have been at a loss as to what to do. Until this morning. Heavenly Father let us know that there was a specific thing that was causing the problem. And the Spirit tells me that it is true.
Such a great way to start the day. Knowing that if we stay close to the Spirit, He will indeed help us to see the blessings. I know He gives them to us. Everyday. And I will keep looking for them.