I’m struggling. I will admit it. There are so many things that have been hard the last few months. Writing a blog post is one of them. It is so hard to write when it brings so many emotions to the forefront. Health issues and personal stress add to that as well. But right after Laney’s birthday, came Mother’s Day. That is always a very hard one for me. I love all of my kids and am glad to be their mom, but when one is missing, it makes things more difficult. More emotional.
Then came Father’s Day. Two months before we lost Laney, She and her sisters made a video for Wade for Father’s Day. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. About how much he loved every second of it. About how funny she was. About how much she loved to include her sisters. About how much she loved her dad.
I thought yesterday about how not a day goes by, or even an hour when I don’t think about Laney. That I don’t miss her. That I don’t wish and dream and hope. It probably doesn’t help that I have to pass the mountain where she fell every day on my way to and from work.
Our knowledge that she is ours forever helps to lessen the pain. But missing her is just so hard! I am trying to live the kind of life that will not only lead me back to my Savior, but also to my daughter. Because I know she expects it of me. Of all of us.
So I will try to be strong. Try to be better. Try to live so that when I see her again, she can laugh and point out what an idiot I was for wearing mis-matched shoes to a BBQ yesterday. Because she will.
I meant to get this posted yesterday, but the day slipped away before I knew it:
Today is Laney’s 22nd birthday. I have been thinking so much about her this month, that the entire month of April has been an emotional one for me. April is Organ Donor Awareness month, too, so that made me think about everything all over again. Laney was an organ donor.
I really cannot believe that this is the second birthday she has been gone. I don’t think it will be any easier as the years go by. I don’t know that I want them to. I don’t WANT to forget and move on. She was my baby girl. My daughter. My hero.
This month, as I have been focused on thoughts of Laney, some things just kind of hit me, and it makes me cry. When I saw the griddle on the counter from my girls making pancakes, it made me cry. Laney loved pancakes. She would eat them every meal of the day if I let her. Or that day when I picked up a pair of pants only to realize they were Laney’s favorite jeans. We had tried to patch them, but it never would hold. She wouldn’t throw them away. Now, I am glad that she didn’t.
Laney was very sentimental. She kept everything. A souvenir of every moment in her life. The older she got, the more she turned to pictures. And we are so grateful for the thousands of pictures that she took. it left us with a lifetime of memories that we will cherish forever.
Happy birthday, Lane. We love and miss you as much as always, and cannot wait until that day when we will be with you again. Would you just put a word in, and hurry it up, already?
I was asked to help with a lesson in Relief Society today (the women’s organization in the Mormon church). I was asked to share how the Lord has blessed me through my trials and what I have learned from them. I thought I would share a few of the things I have learned with you, as well.
There are so many ways He blesses our lives and helps us through our trials. For me and my family, a couple of the ways that He has blessed us include numbing us through the most severe trials and giving us perspective. That perspective includes being able to comprehend that God has a plan for our lives. While we don’t know the entirety of the plan, we do know that He wants us to return to Him. He wants us to succeed. He wants to bless us.
Faith is a given. We have to have faith in order to know that we have a purpose and that we will be okay. But the thing that has helped us the most? Hope. I likened it today to the light that comes from a lighthouse, guiding the lost sailors back to the safety of their homes. That is what hope does for me, personally. It is that bright beam of light helping to guide me back to my heavenly home. Back to my Heavenly Father. Back to Laney.
President Deiter F. Uchtdorf says this about hope:
Hope is not knowledge, but rather the abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill His promise to us. It is confidence that if we live according to God’s laws and the words of His prophets now, we will receive desired blessings in the future. It is believing and expecting that our prayers will be answered. It is manifest in confidence, optimism, enthusiasm, and patient perseverance.
If we start with that little seed of hope, knowing and having faith that someday, everything we are going through will be worth it, then that hope is enough. It is enough to help us through the trial we are going through today. And then the next one. Because we know that in the end, as we look back on our trials, we will see that all of those trials have been stepping stones to get us back home. Back to that One who gave us life. Back to the One who is cheering us on and blessing us.