I love to read. Other than doing my projects, it is probably my favorite thing to do with my free time. After losing Laney, I read the book, Divine Signatures by Gerald Lund. It gave me such insight into looking for the blessings in my life everyday, that I was really excited when Wade got me his new book Look Up, My Soul. It is a book about hope.
Tonight I was reading from it when a chapter about choosing hope took me by such surprise that I could barely get through it. It talked about a mother losing her daughter and how she looked for hope in everything. The interesting part to me was when she talked about having to choose hope over and over. That it wasn’t a one time thing.
Some of what she mentioned hits so close to home. The part that really made me cry was talking about how she chooses hope when her daughter’s friends reached milestones, or when her daughter wasn’t there for significant milestones in the family. That is such a difficult thing to do when you feel like you are missing out on so much.
We love Laney’s friends, and are happy for them when they get married and have babies. Laney would have been so excited for them. But it is hard not to think about where Laney would be right now if we hadn’t lost her. How life would be different. But I am choosing hope. I am choosing to press forward with hope in Christ and in His promise of eternal life.
As we start into this last month before the year mark of losing Laney, I want to look back a little over how we have made it this far when we could not have comprehended making it a single minute without her. But through our tears, we have made it this far.
It has been an everyday struggle living without Laney. So the way we have been moving forward is two-fold. First, I honestly try not to think about her not being here everyday. Oh, I think about her everyday. About the memories. The funny things we did. I cannot do a single project without thinking about how much I need Laney to give me her opinion or help me do it. That is how it always was with us. But, I cannot think that she is GONE everyday. I would be a melted puddle on the floor.
Secondly, we know that there are people who continue to pray for us. That there are those who know the days that will be hard and seem to find a way to show their love and support. But most importantly, Heavenly Father has been here, holding us up every step of the way. He has wrapped His loving arms around us as we have cried. In the midst of our greatest heartaches He has come and wiped away all our tears.
Today marks 11 months since losing Laney. How in the world did we make it to this point? Make it this far when all along we have felt like we couldn’t go another minute? I look back and remember it like it was yesterday. But it also seems like it has gone so fast. I like fast. It gets us closer to being with her again. I am so amazed when I realize how much Heavenly Father has helped us make it one day at a time until we have come as far as we have.
I am not looking forward to the next anniversary date. The one year mark. I know I will be a mess. I am already a mess. But I know that there are people around us who won’t forget. And we won’t forget them either. How did we get here? One step. One minute. One day at a time. Do I have the courage to make it through today? Absolutely. Because I can try again tomorrow.