It seems that every day I seem to get more emotional the closer we get to the year mark. Kaden asked me today if we were doing anything to celebrate on the 13th. I told him there wasn’t anything to celebrate that day. He said we should celebrate her life.
It got me thinking about Laney tonight, and I am struggling to type this. I started listening to some of her favorite music, and that about did me in. I have been reading some of her things, too, and am constantly amazed how much I am learning about her. She taught us so much in such a short period, and didn’t know she was doing it. Like how the Atonement is such an important part of life.
I think maybe I need to show that this really has been a rough road. That it is not easy to keep looking forward everyday. That sometimes, life just stinks. I am feeling that tonight. I would give anything to have Laney back. But I know the plan for her, and even for us, is different than what we want.
So tonight, I will be a mom who cries and misses her daughter. Misses the sound of her footsteps on the stairs. Misses her excitement at being so in love. Misses my partner in creativity. The laughter at my made up words. The incredible athlete and mentor. Misses my friend, my rock and reminder of the blessings in our life.
But tomorrow, I will try to put on my strong face and keep moving forward. Because I can do this. With Heavenly Father’s help,I can do anything.
I love to read. Other than doing my projects, it is probably my favorite thing to do with my free time. After losing Laney, I read the book, Divine Signatures by Gerald Lund. It gave me such insight into looking for the blessings in my life everyday, that I was really excited when Wade got me his new book Look Up, My Soul. It is a book about hope.
Tonight I was reading from it when a chapter about choosing hope took me by such surprise that I could barely get through it. It talked about a mother losing her daughter and how she looked for hope in everything. The interesting part to me was when she talked about having to choose hope over and over. That it wasn’t a one time thing.
Some of what she mentioned hits so close to home. The part that really made me cry was talking about how she chooses hope when her daughter’s friends reached milestones, or when her daughter wasn’t there for significant milestones in the family. That is such a difficult thing to do when you feel like you are missing out on so much.
We love Laney’s friends, and are happy for them when they get married and have babies. Laney would have been so excited for them. But it is hard not to think about where Laney would be right now if we hadn’t lost her. How life would be different. But I am choosing hope. I am choosing to press forward with hope in Christ and in His promise of eternal life.
As we start into this last month before the year mark of losing Laney, I want to look back a little over how we have made it this far when we could not have comprehended making it a single minute without her. But through our tears, we have made it this far.
It has been an everyday struggle living without Laney. So the way we have been moving forward is two-fold. First, I honestly try not to think about her not being here everyday. Oh, I think about her everyday. About the memories. The funny things we did. I cannot do a single project without thinking about how much I need Laney to give me her opinion or help me do it. That is how it always was with us. But, I cannot think that she is GONE everyday. I would be a melted puddle on the floor.
Secondly, we know that there are people who continue to pray for us. That there are those who know the days that will be hard and seem to find a way to show their love and support. But most importantly, Heavenly Father has been here, holding us up every step of the way. He has wrapped His loving arms around us as we have cried. In the midst of our greatest heartaches He has come and wiped away all our tears.