If you are new to my blog, you should start here first. It is my first post, and explains what this blog is about. Make sure to visit the Laney’s Story and the About Me tabs at the top of the page for more information! Oh, and I hope you find joy in your journey!
This post is what Laney said. Literally. It was something that I found very recently that Laney had written just before she left for her first year at college. It says so much about my daughter that it amazes even me. I have no doubt that this was one of those tender mercies that let me know that my Father in Heaven is aware of me. That when I am struggling with missing Lane, He gives me something like this. Knowing what we know now, I hope you can look at this post from a retrospective point of view and see that what Lane saw then was indeed for us now.
“August 6, 2009 at 1:43am
As I continue to grow up I find myself thinking about all the things that are going to change, which for me is a lot! Some people are living at home, while others of us are going to have to find new activities, new friends, and a new place to call home. I’ve moved many times throughout my teenage years. It’s not as easy as it seems to find a place where you actually feel as if you belong. For me, Box Elder, Brigham, BC, whatever..was that place. So now coming to this time in my life, where I have to leave the only place I’ve ever felt truly satisfied with calling home is a big struggle.
I honestly believe that I have made the best friends any person could ever dream of having! Friends are really important to me. They helped shape me into the person I have become today. A me that even I love. My friends are an incredible example to me. I find qualities in them that I someday wish to also posses. Yes, I know I will make new friends wherever I go. Yet, right now, the friends I have and the [memories] we’ve made, are enough for me. I know that in time I will see things differently. The friends I have now, have made incredibly lasting impressions on my heart. And have forever changed my outlook on life<3. Leaving the people I love and not being as big a part of their lives anymore, is really gonna hurt. I don’t want to miss out out on things in their lives, and likewise for them.
“There is nothing more constant than Change.”-(Pres. Monson.) Change at the time seems completely and totally terrible but through my experience, I’ve always learned from it, and have become [better] because of it. This is just another step in the “never ending racetrack we call life.“-(Jonas Brothers) As hard as it is to accept the fact that I’m moving on to bigger and better things, I know it’s a part of life. Something we all go through at one point or another. I wish I would’ve better prepared myself for it.
I’m a very sentimental person. I take the [memories] and the lessons I’ve learned and hold on to them so tight because I’m afraid to lose them. I don’t feel now as if I’m losing them, more involuntarily giving them up. As one chapter in my life ends and the new one begins, I find myself more and more each day wishing it didn’t have to be this way.That I could just live the life I have now. But I know it has to be this way in order to grow and succeed in life. I won’t be doing what anyone else wants for me, it’s all up to me now. I no longer can just slip by in life..no one is going to be there pushing me. I have to live up to no one’s expectations but my own.
It’s all a part of growing up, and I couldn’t be more grateful for the opportunities and privileges I have received throughout my life. I’m happy with the way things are. And I’m excited for the way they’re going to be! Life may seem so confusing and frustrating at times..but it’s all for our good. I’ll continue to learn and hopefully someday be that person that I want to become. ”
Wow, has it been a crazy year. We finally got the house put back together with the exception of some finish painting (I will post pictures in another post soon). I got one daughter off to live in Hawaii, and started planning a wedding. What?!? Yep. A wedding.
I have mentioned before how Laney had her own impending engagement she was excited about. About how she was excited to give Jens her forever. Well, one of my other daughters had her own impending engagement to a guy we just love. Only we weren’t expecting it. But I have no doubt that there were people other the other side of the veil, including Laney, working to make it happen.
So we planned and celebrated and watched our girl be sealed to an amazing man who adores her. It is amazing to see her so happy. To actually see that adoration in his face when he looks at her. Sometimes the things we want the most come in the most unexpected ways, and when we finally get to that moment, we just hold it tight and never let it go. That is how it has been for my daughter.
Twenty-three years ago today, I was blessed to become a mother for the second time. Little did I know what the next 20 years would be like. Laney started out struggling to breath and finished this part of the plan for her life stronger than I think I will ever be in my entire lifetime. And I am talking more ways than one. But today, I am going to just tell you how very much I miss her. Her strength. Her happiness. Her.
I miss her sweet smile and the way she scrunched her eyes closed when she went down a slide. I miss how she was always my buddy, helping and learning as she grew. I miss those days. I miss how much she loved her twin sisters. I miss her long, beautiful, amazing hair. I miss how she used to curl it. I miss her fearless attitude. I miss how she would light up when she was excited. I miss how much she loved sports. And how hard she played. I miss how she would stand up for the little guy and also how she would serve them. I miss watching her dress up to go to the temple.
And how excited she was about the Brigham City Temple. I miss how she would get so excited when she got a letter from Jens. And how she loved to take cookies to his family. I miss walking in to the smell of cookies and her telling us we could only have ONE because they were so and so. I miss how excited she was when she got her first car. I miss how she wrapped her arms around me when I cried when she left for college. I miss her raps and her dancing. I miss how she knew every single word to every single song. Not even kidding. I miss how she loved everything with an enthusiasm that was contageous. I miss how she glowed with happiness. And how she let that happiness show in the way she treated others.
I miss watching her in sports. Volleyball. Basketball. Track. Softball. Every single game. I even miss how she would tell me not to cheer for her. And how I would turn to the mom beside me and have them cheer for her, for me. I miss how she would look up from a time-out and sign something to me like I knew what she wanted. When she told me to learn sign language so that I could understand her. I still smile at that.
I miss the sound of her voice. The sound of her singing with Alyssa. And Brynna. And Ally. And Addisyn. The sound of her laughter. The sound of her absolute joy. I miss the last 20 years. I wish I could go back and recapture all of those moments and memories so they were fresh in my mind. Like I knew she wasn’t going to be here and I needed to remember them better. Longer.
So for today, her 23rd birthday, I am going to miss her. And then I will put it all away again for a little while. And maybe tomorrow, I will show courage again to make it through another day. And another day after that.