Laney’s Mom

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If you are new to my blog, you should start here first. It is my first post, and explains what this blog is about. Make sure to visit the Laney’s Story and the About Me tabs at the top of the page for more information! Oh, and I hope you find joy in your journey!

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A Window to My Heart

Think-of-yourself“Mom, can I have that window? The one you were saving for Laney?” It was as simple request. At least it was in retrospect. You see, I had a few old windows from my husband’s childhood home that I was saving for my girls. Alyssa had talked me out of a couple as gifts for her friends when they got married. But I was down to my last two, and I was saving them. One for Alyssa when she got married. And one for Laney.

Alyssa called me and told me that she needed that last frame. I don’t think she knew what she was asking me. It was like asking for this piece of my heart. And I wasn’t ready to give that dusty frame up quite yet. She told me to trust her and I was too exhausted to put up much of a fight. My friend made some vinyl for it, and I put the wire on the back to hang it. Then I sent it on it’s way. I think it was a good thing I was too tired to think too much, or else I couldn’t have done it. I couldn’t have given up the last window.

SmilingI probably would have taken it with me anywhere. But it was just a window, you say. Oh, it was much more than that. It was literally another piece of Laney that was slipping through my fingers that I was unable to stop. And it’s okay. Now.

Because what Alyssa did with that window truly shocked me. She gave it away to someone I didn’t even know. For a gift that I couldn’t have dreamed up. You see, on Christmas morning, the very last gift sat under the tree. It was by far the biggest box there. Everyone sat in anticipation as Wade handed me this box. They were all looking at me with these sad, expectant eyes. I knew then that they had been scheming. And it was incredible what Alyssa had come up with.

Painting-of-LaneyI pulled out a picture that was painted just for me. It is of Christ and my Lane. The artist, Madi, got the picture so incredibly right. Not only does the painting look exactly like Laney, but it shows pure joy and happiness. In one word: she RADIATED happiness. I took one look at it and before I knew it, tears were rolling down my face. I barely noticed. I couldn’t take my eyes off of my happy daughter. I decided to share it on here so you can see it.

Words just don’t do it justice. But I will forever be grateful for being willing to give a piece of my heart and getting a bit of it back. What do you think?

~CTR

* On a side note- I will be changing my blog in the next few days. It will now be MyEverydayCourage.Blogspot.Com. Make sure to visit me there.

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Changed for Good

Laney Peacock

Three years. Yet it feels like it happened yesterday. How have we made it this far? If you would have asked me in the beginning, I would have told you I couldn’t make it through today, let alone three years. Yet, here we are. I miss her so much. I know she is engaged in so many good things now, but that still doesn’t fix it. She isn’t HERE. I can’t listen to her get excited over things that were happening in her life. Or her making fun of me for “making up words” as she liked to call it. Or a million other things.

One day, while listening to my iPod, a song came on that I was familiar with and that my family loves from Wicked. In fact, one of the lines from the song was in the running for what we would put on Laney’s headstone. As the singing started, I realized it was Alyssa singing. And then Laney chimed in in the second verse. The thing that shocked me the most was the part that Laney sang. She and Alyssa were practicing the song and recorded themselves so they could play it back. The minute Lane came on, the sound of her voice and the words she said took me aback. I was in a complete puddle by the end of the song. And then I replayed it over and over and over. I wanted to hear her voice. I wanted to hear the words. Again.

Listen to it here: ( Laney starts singing in the second verse)

 

Those words; “It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime,” being sung by my daughter who isn’t here any more means so much more now. But I wanted to post this song so that you can see how much you meant to her. How much she loved her friends, and how you, “Are like a hand print on {her} heart.”

How because we knew her (and she knew us) we have been changed for good. That is what we thought about putting on her headstone. But we focused on the hope. The resurrection. So we continue on, trying to live each day so we can be with Laney again and wrap our arms around her. And tell her how very much we love her and miss her. Oh, how we wish she were HERE. But she’s not. She’s there, and there doesn’t know how lucky it is.

~CTR

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What Laney Said

I-have-to-live-up-to-noones-expectations

This post is what Laney said. Literally. It was something that I found very recently that Laney had written just before she left for her first year at college. It says so much about my daughter that it amazes even me. I have no doubt that this was one of those tender mercies that let me know  that my Father in Heaven is aware of me. That when I am struggling with missing Lane, He gives me something like this. Knowing what we know now, I hope you can look at this post from a retrospective point of view and see that what Lane saw then was indeed for us now.

“August 6, 2009 at 1:43am

As I continue to grow up I find myself thinking about all the things that are going to change, which for me is a lot! Some people are living at home, while others of us are going to have to find new activities, new friends, and a new place to call home. I’ve moved many times throughout my teenage years. It’s not as easy as it seems to find a place where you actually feel as if you belong. For me, Box Elder, Brigham, BC, whatever..was that place. So now coming to this time in my life, where I have to leave the only place I’ve ever felt truly satisfied with calling home is a big struggle.

I honestly believe that I have made the best friends any person could ever dream of having! Friends are really important to me. They helped shape me into the person I have become today. A me that even I love. My friends are an incredible example to me. I find qualities in them that I someday wish to also posses. Yes, I know I will make new friends wherever I go. Yet, right now, the friends I have and the [memories] we’ve made, are enough for me. I know that in time I will see things differently. The friends I have now, have made incredibly lasting impressions on my heart. And have forever changed my outlook on life<3. Leaving the people I love and not being as big a part of their lives anymore, is really gonna hurt. I don’t want to miss out out on things in their lives, and likewise for them.

“There is nothing more constant than Change.”-(Pres. Monson.) Change at the time seems completely and totally terrible but through my experience, I’ve always learned from it, and have become [better] because of it. This is just another step in the “never ending racetrack we call life.“-(Jonas Brothers) As hard as it is to accept the fact that I’m moving on to bigger and better things, I know it’s a part of life. Something we all go through at one point or another. I wish I would’ve better prepared myself for it.

I’m a very sentimental person. I take the [memories] and the lessons I’ve learned and hold on to them so tight because I’m afraid to lose them. I don’t feel now as if I’m losing them, more involuntarily giving them up. As one chapter in my life ends and the new one begins, I find myself more and more each day wishing it didn’t have to be this way.That I could just live the life I have now. But I know it has to be this way in order to grow and succeed in life. I won’t be doing what anyone else wants for me, it’s all up to me now. I no longer can just slip by in life..no one is going to be there pushing me. I have to live up to no one’s expectations but my own.

It’s all a part of growing up, and I couldn’t be more grateful for the opportunities and privileges I have received throughout my life. I’m happy with the way things are. And I’m excited for the way they’re going to be! Life may seem so confusing and frustrating at times..but it’s all for our good. I’ll continue to learn and hopefully someday be that person that I want to become.

~CTR

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